A Wall of Human Flesh or My Dad is the Best: a series of emails

DAD: You mother wants some earrings. 14K or Sterling. Your job, should you decide to accept it, is to determine size, style, and then purchase (of course at a low low price). I will be cutting your check shortly. Do you like cuckoo clocks?

ME: Cuckoo clocks? Er...Huh? Are you buying me one for x-mas? As long as it isn't crazy big and from uncle donnie, then sure! I love cuckoo clocks!

I will except your mission. What is your price limit?

DAD: I trust your judgment.

(P.S. you accept, not except… you know I’m a stickler about Inglesh. )


ME: Oh brother! Yes I accept, not expect. I blame my co-worker. She was telling me about single handedly saving a dog from freezing water then lifting a 150 bolder and carrying it for 1/2 a mile. Seriously. I was distracted.

DAD: Tell her about the time you saved a goat and encountered the Shug Indians.

“I had just swum the rapids. I had my canoe under one arm and a Rocky Mountain goat under the other… I unsheathed my Bowie knife and cut a path through this wall of human flesh, dragging my canoe behind me.”

Twilight Trailer Reaction

Five minutes and seven seconds in and nine minutes in: I had the exact same reaction when I discovered “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel” was being release this December.

Dear God (Sincerely M.O.F)

Dear God, I'm trying hard to reach you
Dear God, I see your face in all I do
Sometimes it’s so hard to believe in
Good God I know you have your reasons

Dear God I see you move the mountains
Dear God I see you moving trees
Sometimes it’s nothing to believe in
Sometimes it’s everything I see

Well I’ve been thinking about
And I’ve been breaking it down without an answer
I know I’m thinking aloud but if your love's
Still around why do we suffer? Why do we suffer?

Dear God, I wish that I could touch you
How strange sometimes I feel I almost do
And then I'm back behind the glass again
Oh God what keeps you out it keeps me in

Well I’ve been thinking about
And I’ve been breaking down without an answer
I know I’m thinking aloud but if your love's
Still around why do we suffer? Why do we suffer?

Don't you just feel like this some days?

Current Playlist:
The Fixer – Pearl Jam
Dance Anthem of the 80’s – Regina Spektor
Bruises – Chairlift
Fugitive – David Gray
Crazy on You – The Decemberists
Cool Yourself – Thao
I Can See Your Tracks – Laura Veirs
Sec Walkin – My Morning Jacket*
Poison Cup – M. Ward
Dear God (sincerely M.O.F.) – Monsters of Folk
Island, Is – Volcano Choir
Please Sit Down – Between the Pine
Cheerleader – Grizzly Bear
Something of an End – My Brightest Diamond
Vengeance Is Sleeping – Neko Case
Boys Who Love Girls – The Rosebuds


Books Being Read:
New Moon. Have you heard of it? I guess there’s a movie based on the book coming out soon?

Half-Minute Horrors, Edited by Susan Rich. It’s a YA collection of short stories. My favorite so far is The Legend of Alexandra & Rose, by John Klassen.
























Food Being Eaten Or Not Eaten:
Last night I had the biggest, most delicious ham and cheese sandwich I’ve ever eaten. It was amazing! It was from Whole Foods, which isn’t associated with the chain Whole Foods (just to clarify). And even though April had a bad peanut butter bar experience there, I’d say that 95% of the time their food is excellent. There was that one corn bread incident though. I bought gluten free corn bread by mistake. It was like eating dry sand, but with less taste. Mama likes her gluten.

Tonight I’m making Kate’s “red soup.” Hamburger, tomatoes, carrots, onion, celery, corn, deliciousness. I’m adding garlic and maybe some cabbage.

I’m also making meatballs (hamburger, breadcrumbs, egg, onion, green and red peppers, salt, pepper, parmesan cheese, parsley) and simmering them in Paul Newman’s Marinara sauce.

I’ve been trying to avoiding sugar. It’s hard. I like sugar. A lot. KitKats often whisper my name as I’m waiting in the checkout line at Target. “Pst! Hey, Kristen. Over here.” Then they flash what’s under their wrapper – their long, hard, crunchy, wafery, chocolatey goodness. Those pervy yet delicious, KitKats!


*April and I made up new lyrics to “Sec Walkin.” The real lyrics are: “Left leg. Right leg. One leg at a time. I keep on walkin’. Walkin’! I keep on walkin’.” My and April’s lyrics are: "Headache. Heartache. One ache at a time. I keep on livin’. Livin’! I keep on livin’.” Seriously, we just spontaneously started singing the made up song at Michael’s craft store. We just knew what the other was going to sing. It’s like we’re the next Rodgers and Hammerstein…only with more wiener jokes.

A Statement on the Topic of Guys Meeting Other Guys and Developing Friendships

"I think getting past the weird gay things is easy. When initiating convo, I say something like — 'how hot are the chicks here' or 'Check out her Winnebagos'.
Gay shield down.
Continue bromance"

http://www.charismaarts.com/how-to-build-your-social-network/

Monsters of Folk

Last Thursday I saw Monsters of Folk. There are four members in the band: Jim James, M. Ward, and two other guys. Fine. Connor Oberst is one of the other guys, but he equals a big "MEH" in my book. I left to go to the bathroom during one of his songs. When I came back he was still sing talking and the smelly hippie guy behind us was saying things like, "This is only my most favorite song ever," and "Yes."

Ward and James were really the highlight of the concert. Ward's velvety smooth vocals during the song "Dear God (Sincerely, MOF)" were orgasmic. While James' solo version of the My Morning Jacket song "Smokin' from Shootin'" was goose bump inducing. Amazing! Also, did I mention that these guys played for 3 hours? Double Amazing!

Best Quote of the night (from the two guys sitting in front of us): "When I found out Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana where the same person I was devastated!"
Best Song of the night: Dear God (Sincerely, MOF)
Best Bruise of the night: On my right calf because of jerks having to get beer and then pee because of said beer.
Most Annoying Person of the night: The stinky hippie guy who insisted on narrating the ENTIRE FREAKING CONCERT. Non-stop. Seriously. Runner up is all the people who insisted on getting beer during the concert, thus making everyone in their row stand up and block the view of the stage. If you want to drink go to a bar. I came to see the hottness that is M. Ward and Jim James so sit down and shut your traps.
Awesomest Dance Moves: Jim James for shaking his rear towards the audience and making April and I laugh (and drool a little).
Best Guitaring: M. Ward. Oh, what that man can do to a guitar... H-O-Freaking-T.

Pictures are from the actual concert in Minneapolis. I didn't take them though and if I could find the website that I got them from I would give the person credit.

All the Single Babies

I couldn't have put it better myself...

From: http://fuckyeahhappy.tumblr.com

Ladies: A Play in One Act

Time: Midnight
Place: S Street, Downtown D
Characters: Kate, Me, Hot Guy, Creepy Guy
Kate and I are leaving Pizza Luce. A couple outside is approached by Creepy Guy. He asks if they can help him out. They must have said no...
Creepy Guy: Ladies? Ladies? Ladies? Ladies? Ladies? Ladies?
Me: *whispering to Kate* Walk faster!
Creepy Guy: Ladiesladiesladiesladiesladiesladies? *suddenly behind me I hear...*
Hot Guy: I think they're walking faster for a reason, Buddy...
Creepy Guy: ...adies...oh...
Me: *to hot guy* Thanks! *he smiles. then I say to Kate* At least he was calling us "Ladies." *hot guy laughs*

*****
Two weeks before Kate and I were standing on the same street when an older man and his young friend walked by and said, "Lookin' good, grrrril!" They then proceeded to walk to the end of the block and wait on the corner. We were then forced to jaywalk to the other side of the street where I started singing, "Just walk on by. Wait on the corner..."